I knew this was going to be hard but I wasn't expecting the crying to come out of nowhere at anytime, anywhere and pretty consistently throughout the day. It's not a depressed, sad, despairing cry though, and I don't feel wholly bad. It actually feels alright, other than my eyes burning and never knowing when its going to happen. Like at Applebees and the frozen section at Wal Mart.
I never really saw Baba cry but she did tell me she would cry often for her parents because she missed them and felt bad that she had it so much better in life than they did. Do you believe this? But this is coming from a woman who would say "It's too much" when someone would get her a frying pan for Christmas, or if she was given a box of chocolates she only eat them if she could give away more than her share.
It's my turn to cry for you Baba and it's ok. I already miss your natural generosity, your amazing sense of humor, our silly nicknames we made up for each other and of course, the melt in your mouth pyrohy that you made by the dozens. More than anything I will miss the way you would clap at the end of every piece I would be practicing in the living room like you were listening to the geatest concert you had ever heard. And I made some pretty horrible sounds sometimes so thank you for always making me feel like I had the most beautiful voice in the world. I will miss every earthly interaction we had but I think the reason the "cry" doesn't feel so horrible is because I feel you everywhere right now and that feeling is very nice for your "ptashka".
Let it out my dear... the tears are releasing the grief that your soul feels... When my uncle, with whom I wasn't even very close died last year, I found myself sitting on the couch for two days straight in and out of a sort of stupor. It wasn't until someone told me i was "grieving" that I realized yes, the heart needs to find a way to compensate for loss. So random tears are so very natural.
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave to continue on the way you are. And go a head- cry in the frozen foods section... just makes sure your tears don't freeze on your face! :) All my love to you and MoLo.
I ditto Jen! Thanks for sharing so many wonderful memories of Baba. I feel like I'm getting to know her even better with all the little details you write about her. I've been thinking about you and MoLo and your entire family all week. You know, it's an "end of an era" (not sure if that's the right phrase??), but life will not be the same. After both my grandparents died I could see that for my family. The generations beginning to shift. It is very obvious that she will always be "alive" for you, as you share so much about her. And I know you will do the same for your own children. They will know her. (Maybe they're hanging out with her right now). ;)
ReplyDelete